Over the last few weeks, I've talked to you about trauma. First, about how my trauma imprinted itself on my life - creating paradigms in my mindset that allowed me to accept less, receive less, pursue less - all with the notion that I was undeserving of anything more.
Then we explored how trauma shows up in our lives. That it doesn't always originate from something easy to identify or pinpoint. It's not always something that happened, but also sometimes what did not happen.
I promised that we would discuss the change catalyst that forced me beyond the 'comforts' of these diminishing beliefs I had set for myself. The moment that made me face the reality of my options - stay the course or work for the change I want to see.
Today I want to share how I made MY decision - it stemmed from a conversation with my daughter.
For those of you who don't know her, my daughter Allie is such an inspiration to me (and many others who meet her!) Her life has not been without its challenges, yet she continues to face these issues head-on, with resiliency that I admire and strive to emulate.
Allie was my point of pivot – she was the reason for my 'this ends here' moment.
One evening when she was still very young, I picked her up from daycare after work, and on our drive home, she began to cry and tell me about how the kids at school had been picking on her.
After we got home, we made dinner and continued our conversation when something happened that changed me forever.
Out of her mouth came the words, "I hate myself, mommy. Because my ears are broken."
I heard her words and felt a RAGE inside like I had never felt before.
Not at the kids who were picking on her (although I wasn't happy about it), but rage because this perfect little being in Grade 2, tears streaming down her face, looking at me with a face matching my own, was already saying to herself what I had told myself for years.
"I hate myself because I am damaged."
It was at that moment that I made the DECISION that I would do whatever it took to heal. Whatever I needed to do so that she or my son did not live their life saying to themselves the things I had said to myself for so many years.
My wish for them was so much greater than my lifetime of hating myself. Thinking I was unworthy of love, kindness, anything good.
I dismantled myself and my world. I went in deep to heal and move beyond my traumas.
It wasn't always easy, but it was one million percent worth it.
From that decision onward, everything was a conscious choice. To do the work when the "next level devil" would rear its ugly head.
Everything I have accomplished has begun with making a decision, a commitment to myself, and through it all, a discovery of Me. Who I am. Who I continue to grow to be. A re-emergence of a person who is confident in her abilities, her purpose, and loving of WHO she is.
About a month ago, my daughter, my mom, and I were having a conversation about my journey. During it, my daughter said to me, "mom, if it weren't for you showing me how, I wouldn't love myself as much as I do."
I knew in that moment the cycle had been broken.
One decision, to not maintain the status quo any longer, opened up my life and all the joy and happiness that has flowed into my life from that point forward.
What is your one decision? What is it time for?
I look forward to sharing more about what that work actually entailed. Because it's not enough to simply say, "I made a decision to start loving myself, and now I do."
That would not only be doing my journey a huge disservice, but it would be disingenuous to you - and I am all about transparency.
The work is not easy - it's not easy because it's not surface level. Trauma affects us DEEPLY. Its roots are long, thick, and entwined into so much of who we are and what we do.
The good news? They CAN be removed. And once they are, the parts of you that will begin to have room to breathe? They are total game-changers.
Tomorrow marks the first day of the last month of 2020. A year that has us all with challenges, changes, obstacles - but also opportunity. The opportunity to take stock of what is most important, most valuable, and precious to us, and to use THAT as our guiding force for the 'Next Level' of us that CAN be achieved.
Are you ready to start this conversation?